Honestly, I didn’t expect to disappear for over six months.
And I really didn’t.
The last time I blogged was right before my daughter wound up in the hospital. She had a total of three surgeries. The last was for hemorrhaging. You would think that, as a horror writer and someone who has dealt with blood and guts in the past, I could be prepared for such a thing. No. Nothing at all ever prepares you for the sight of your child with blood pouring from her mouth and into the bowl you just happen to grab from the kitchen while on the phone with 911. She was homeschooled through Christmas break. She is fine now, but she was quite sick for a time and Mama Sarah was very shaken up.
Severely shaken up. On New Year’s Eve, when everyone else was partying up, my struggle with panic attacks renewed itself. I don’t have panic attacks or depression while in the midst of a personal crisis. They wait until the crisis has passed. My body is addicted to the tension, so it creates its own. See something scary on the news? BOOM! Panic.
It starts as an insidious niggle that chills the back of my head and spreads down through my arms to my fingers. I can’t move. All I can do is rotate that obsessive fear through my brain over and over.
I know my history and symptoms well enough that I got help in February.
I was able to finish THE MAY QUEEN MURDERS and turned it into my agent Miriam, and I was very heartened that she enjoyed the story. It took a long time to write due to struggles with vertigo and the health problems with my daughter. It also took a while due to excitement with my other pen name. Good things, yes, but time consuming on that side. But once MQM was in Miriam’s hands, I noticed that my anxiety and panic tripped up again. I started having panic attacks not just three or four times a week, but three or four times a day. It wasn’t any way to function. You can’t function in a fear state. So I’ve taken control and have gotten more help, and I’m doing better. The only side effect is a bizarre shakiness in my hands I can’t control. I can live with that.
I am working on an untitled Gothic YA at the moment, and the project has me very excited. YA Scream Queens has something dark and delicious up our sleeves. Just wait and see.
Until next time,